So tonight is the night, The Oscars. I hate the Oscars. Why? A) Because it is all about famous rich people patting each other on the back for crappy accomplishments and pretending they are contributing to “the arts” when what they are doing is not art; it’s just a movie folks. And B) They never let the best films win… half the times they don’t even nominate them.
So in honor of what they will not do, here are the winners, no nominees, just winners of REALITY: Askewed’s Oscars.
Forrest Griffin and George Foreman presenting for the Best Documentary- Tyson: The greatest fighter of the modern era is completely candid in only the way Mike Tyson can be. He spills his guts on any and all subjects and holds nothing back, just like in his heyday as a fighter. Even non-fight fans can appreciate the depth to his character.
Mandy Patinkin presenting for Best Fantasy Film- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: I read the books, but the story continue to impress on an adaptation level like few can.
Angus Scrimm presenting for Best Sci Fi/Horror Film- Terminator: Salvation: The first Terminator was a classic, the 2nd blew the doors off the special effects world and the 3rd pretty much just ruined the trilogy. Then McG and Christian Bale went on and made the absolute best of the series. No that is not a joke. Ever since the first terminator all they have ever referenced is the Machine War and how important it is to the future. Sort of like the Clone Wars in Star Wars except done to perfection. McG held nothing back and delivered on the sequel, and since Bale has one amazing series in the revived Batman, why not give him two.
Jet Li presenting for Best Forgein Film- Ong Bak 2: Tony Jaa can perform a stunt like no other. No contest.
Mr T presenting for Best Actor- Matt Damon (The Informant!): Very convincing as an antisocial compulsive liar. Rather slow for my taste in a movie, but he did the role great.
Michael Rapaport & Ellen Degeneres presenting for Best Supporting Actor/Actress- The Aliens in District 9: Yep all of them, every one. They only spoke in their native tongue but got their point across with poise.
Kaley Cuoco presenting for Best Actress- Rachel Nichols: Alot of people disliked this film, I thought it was great aside from the way all the characters had a “Lost-like” connection in their past. Nichols played a great Scarlet like she should be portrayed.
George Lucas presenting for Best Special Effects- Terminator: Salvation: What not Avatar? Nope for 2 reasons. #1 I did not see it. #2 There is a point where there is overkill. The machines in Salvation eclipsed that of Transformers, I didn’t think it could be done, but it was.
Conan O’Brien presenting for Best Comedy- Paul Blart Mall Cop: If you didn’t like this movie you are stupid.
Steven Spielberg presenting for Best Director- Tony Jaa (Ong Bak 2): The fight sequences were amazing and he worked both sides of the camera on them.
There you have it, all the movies that should have won, but didn’t even get a second look from the guys in suits. Thank you and good night.