Fish Sitter

Last year I had some fun emailing with craigslist scammers.  This guy put my efforts to shame!

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Unreliable Pet Sitter

Original ad:
Trustworthy and reliable pet sitter available in the area to watch your pets. Your pet will be in good hands and treated with care while you are away. Rates vary – email to discuss.

From Me to **********@**********.org

Hey,

I am away on vacation with my girlfriend for two weeks and completely forgot about her pet fish. Would you be able to go to my house and feed him every day? Normally I wouldn’t let a stranger go into my house, but I am desperate and you seem trustworthy. What is your rate? I can pay you online via PayPal, or just give you cash when I get back.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

Hi Mike,

Of course I can take care of your fish but I have a few questions first:

– Where do you live? Is there a spare key/garage code/whhatever so I can get in?
– What kind of fish is it and how big is the tank? (If it is a small fish bowl then I can care for the fish at my house)
– Any special instructions for feeding the fish?

My rate for small pets such as fish is $10 per day. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss this over the phone. My number is 610-***-****.

Jenny

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

I live at 211 ******* St (near the Acme shopping center).

The fish is a guppy but it lives in a 55 gallon tank, so you probably can’t move it. It just needs one pinch of fish food in the morning and at night (in the jar above the tank).

I don’t have a spare key or garage code, so you are going to have to break a window to get in. I have a garden in the backyard where you can find a rock. I would prefer if you didn’t break any of the front windows because they are new. I’d suggest breaking the kitchen window in the back of the house. Now when the window breaks, the alarm is probably going to go off. I think the alarm code is 1988, but I’m not entirely sure. It is protocol for the alarm company to send the police when a window is broken, so just tell the police that I hired you to take care of my fish.

When can you be over there? I haven’t fed the fish in over a day so I am sure he is really hungry.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

What? That is crazy – I’m not gonna smash a window!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

Why don’t you feel comfortable breaking a window? Don’t worry, I was going to get that window replaced with a wall anyway so my girlfriend can’t look outside while she is doing the dishes.

If you are afraid that you aren’t strong enough to break the window, I have a sledgehammer in my shed. The shed is in the backyard and is unlocked. It is on the wall with the shotguns. You can easily break any window with that thing.

I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don’t notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

I don’t feel right smashing your window bc how would I explain that to the police? And now you want me to hide your drugs? Do you want me to go to jail? Think about what you want me to do and then ask yourself if you would do it in my situation.. I don’t think you would!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

Think about how Gary (the guppy) feels right now. He is starving, and will most likely die if someone doesn’t feed him soon. How selfish of you to put your own interests before the life of another.

Please, just do it for Gary. If he dies, my girlfriend is going to be pissed at me. The last time I accidentally killed one of her pets, she wouldn’t have sex with me for a month. Do you know how expensive it is to pay an escort service for sex? Please don’t make me go through that again.

If you are afraid of the police, I’ll understand. I have a criminal record too, so I get why you don’t want to deal with them. How about you smash the window, run in, feed the fish, and run out before they get there? It will probably take them at least five minutes to respond to the alarm.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

No! You are an idiot! I don’t have a criminal record you damn moron and I plan on keeping it that way. Don’t try to guilt me about your fish because its your own stupid fault for forgetting about him! Just explain to your gf that you are a jackass and forgot to take care of the fish!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

When we get back home and I find the dead fish, I’ll have no choice but to explain to my girlfriend that I hired you to take care of the fish and you let him die. I will give her your phone number and let you two sort things out.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

Don’t you fucking dare you stupid mother fucker!